Thursday, March 25, 2010

Close to Crazy?

If Saturday is the closest to crazy I get, I think I'll be ok.
After my last post, Emmaly would still not nap. In fact, I had to rescue her. She opened the bottom drawer of the dresser in her closet (which has nothing in it because she just pulls it all out anyway), climbed up on top of the dresser and, of course, got stuck up there. Then everything was "NO!". She didn't want juice, cheese, yogurt, pretzels or even her favorite, chocolate. "NO! NO! NO!". We finally settled on coloring, so I plunked her in the high-chair with her crayons and book, and went to my room to cry.
Shortly thereafter, my sister sent me a text message from Salt Lake saying something like: "We found the cutest park just down the street. Wish you were here so we could take the girls there!". I cried even harder for a while, and then started texting with my sister who was sharing them with my parents. Pop (my dad), who is an excellent cook, helpfully offered that I could come for dinner, they were having beautifully marbled rib-eye steaks! So I replied something like: "Ya, I'll be right over...". Then I got to thinking, "Why not!". Obviously I wouldn't make it for dinner that night, but maybe the next...?
I hopped on the internet and started googling for plane tickets. Over $600 for one way tickets for Emmy and I the next day! And, I'd have to either pay another $160 to fly from Port Angeles to Seattle, or I'd have to drive and pay for the parking at the airport. Well, that wasn't going to work.
How much would gas cost? I crunched the numbers...if the van gets 17 miles to the gallon, it would take about about 60 gallons to drive the approximately 1,000 miles between here and there. At $3 per gallon, that's $180... Hmm... This was sounding "doable"!
Now, I've done some long distance driving in my life without much of a problem. By myself. According to Google Maps, it will take about 17 hours to drive the 1,000 miles. So, I'd definitely be staying in a hotel one night at least because while I might be able to handle 17 hours of driving with a couple cat naps and leg stretches, I know that won't cut it for a 2.5 year-old and a 9.5 month-old! The prospect of staying in a hotel room with both my girls overnight with no help is not a very pleasant one, but the end result would be seeing my MAMMA! And that's a very powerful motivator at this point.
By then, it was after 2PM. But, that motivation to see mamma is so powerful that I decide there's no time like the present, and get packing! Through all this, I've been repeatedly calling my husband's cell phone because he's sailing somewhere between here and Canada, but not answering. I really wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to know that I wasn't leaving him, I just needed to go see my family and get away from the daily grind of caring for two babies under the age of 3. And I think part of me wanted someone to talk some sense into me at this point. I got everything packed up into the van, strapped the girls in, and headed for the Marina. I scanned the horizon, looking for sails. No luck. Well, he'll just have to settle for a voicemail. One message later, I'm headed out of town.
By 6PM I was half-way to Sequim which is about 20 minutes away. Chris finally calls. A minute and some sense later, I turned around and headed home. After some careful consideration and much discussion, my genius of a husband comes up with a brilliant plan.
My parents will fly up here April 12th and stay for a few weeks, and then they can drive back with the girls and I in time for Grandma's 80th birthday. That will give us the opportunity to take Emmaly to her doctor appointment in Seattle that we've been rescheduling for the last 6 months (yes, I meant REscheduling). Also, we've been in the process of trying to buy a house that we really want, and it is supposed to be back on the open market this week. It would be really hard to be part of the home-buying process from 1,000 miles away!
As I said, if Saturday is the closest to crazy that I get, I think I'll be ok.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

So...

So...
I planned a fun birthday party for a friend who grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and consequently never had her birthday celebrated. I've been working on it for weeks, and the evening before the party she calls and says that all her friends and family are going to be out of town or are sick, etcetera, and won't be able to come, so can we have it next weekend?
So...
What do I do? I say, "Of course. No problem!" Which, of course, plans wise, it isn't really--I had nothing else planned for next Saturday. However, I have a small fortune in strawberries which won't last till next week, and I borrowed a chocolate fountain but it won't be available next weekend. The sourdough bread might last if I freeze it, but it won't be as good. The cheese for the 3 cheese soup is still in original wrapping, so it will be fine, it's just a good thing I didn't make it and the cupcakes the afternoon before like I was originally planning to do.
My Father suggested that I tell her: "Too bad, you're inconsiderate, so you don't get a party." My reply was: "Great, Pop, then my callous comment becomes the catalyst for her commiting suicide." Which is great alliteration, but a terrible possibility.
My immediate problem was what to do with my day. Since my husband is out sailing his first race since last summer, I am once again all alone with the girls all day. No plans, no real errands, lots of stuff to do, but no help to do it or watch the girls while I do something outside the ordinary.
So...
What do I do? I create an errand. Hannah needs more food, I'll go to the store. Of course at the grocery store, there are cookies, and soda, and a lot of other stuff I don't need. What do I do? Buy it. Of course. And, of course, I'm still not satisfied.
So...
What do I do? I create another errand. Chris (my husband) mentioned that Swain's had garden edging on sale, which is something I've been wanting for the garden, and that translates in my brain to "You have permission to buy it." Off to Swains to buy garden edging, but read the instructions, and they tell you to stake it down every so often. Edging, stakes, and a pink harmonica later (don't ask), and I'm still not satisfied.
So...
What do I do? I create yet another errand. I've recently come to the bitter realization that I have expanded beyond my pre-pregnancy size and I need to stop pouring myself into my size 22's and go up a notch. A couple weeks ago, I found at Goodwill some nice pants, but no jeans for daily wear. I told Chris I would probably have to go to a specialty store and spend $30 on a good pair of nice fitting jeans, and he made some typically male non-commital grunt, and that translates to "You have permission to buy them." But we're hungry by now and have to stop and Wendy's for "lunch". Then Off to Fashion Bug which has a large selection of plus-size clothes that are actually not hideous. They are having a sale (of course, when are they NOT having a sale?), buy one, get one for $10. So, I find a pair of good jeans that fit nice, and 3 cute shirts...$80 later...I'm still not satisfied, but the girls are tired (lucky for our budget).
So...
Finally I head for home. I'm not satisfied, I don't know what to do with the rest of my day, I'm facing the prospect that even though Emmy is VERY tired she probably won't nap, I have a headache, I'm hungry again, I have no idea what time Chris will be home, I want to scream but it will make my headache worse, I want to cry, but it will make my headache worse.
So...
I get Emmy a snack and start Pocahontas (her current fave), and nurse Hannah to sleep. Then I sit down to a great snack of 3 cookies and a glass of milk (no wonder I'm a size 24), and I blog.
So...
Now what?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

From Aunt Ruthann

My Aunt Ruthann has always been a ray of sunshine in my life, and was my support after a very difficult incident with my Grandma when I was a teen. She made me a little sign on a paper plate that said "Don't worry, be Happy!"...and I will always remember that "small" thing.
This is her reply to my email advertising this blog. As always, she has excellent insights.

Dear Sweet Rachael,
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.....My name is Ruthann Depression. Yup, that's me.
My depression began at an early age and continues on and on. It is mainly caused by a mis-connect in my little brain. Sooo, after 3 mental break-ups, (notice break up instead of breakdown, up is more positive. and lots of medications to help?.?.?. I have in the last 12 years discovered that Cod Liver Oil, helps the best. Heard it on a health program and decided to try it. At the time I was on Zoloft, 200mg. and was still in the dumps of life. So I decided to give it a try and I am still taking it everyday, and if I decide to try life without, I can go about a week and then the tears start to flow, soooo. Don't know why it works but it does and well worth it. Just a thought.... Besides depression, I have ADD, and so do all my kids and their kids, and it is jolly good fun, haha, just something we have to learn to live with. Humans all have something in their childhood they wish were different, and we all have to get past that in order to go on with a good happy life. Cannot dwell in something you cannot change and most likely wasn't even your fault. (parents) are usually the culprits and we just have to love them anyway, for they gave us the best gift ever, life.Now the rest is up to us, to be happy or unhappy and find a place to put blame. I have lots of places, but nothing I can do now to change it. Besides all that, I have an inferiority complex as big as the moon and am afraid of people. I am getting better with that, the last few years. Now I am old enough to blame everything on senility....haha jolly good fun that can be, but you are not there yet... A great book to read is YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE, by Louise L. Hay. Has great insights that can help. And you are right, in sharing with others it is helpful to you. I have friends come to me with all their problems in life, cause they think I am ok in mine, boy are they wrong. But I am here for them and can listen and I have much life behind me to perhaps give a help....I learned from Grandma Clawson, to make FUN out of everything you do, and sing while you are doing, especially when you are not happy with doing it. So I do and those around me think I am very happy because I am always singing...Well, sometimes I am just that. My mother told me "you make your own happiness" no one else can do it for you. FINE!!!!! So be happy in your life, and remember you have 2 precious little ones to share your happiness with and that will in turn make them happy babies and they will grow up in that happy frame if they have it now. Life isn't always fair, or easy, but if it was where would all the FUN be, in making it so. You are a very talented and beautiful lady, and you have much to give to your little ones. Enjoy the journey and keep a journal as to all the fun "little" things that happen each day. It is great to have when you get to my age and have fun exciting memories to keep you going.... Keep sharing with me and remember I am always here for you. And remember laughter is the greatest medicine in the world. I laugh at just about everything most of the time....
Love Aunt Ruthann (depression)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sharing

I originally started this blog with the idea to not share it with friends and family. This was mostly due to my embarrassment about having depression and seeing a counselor. After several months and quite a bit of reflection, I have decided to change this.
I think it's important for people to learn more about depression so that the stigmas surrounding it can be lifted. Like with any illness, awareness is the best way to overcome the fear of the illness.
So, to my friends and family, I bid you welcome! I hope to create awareness for the mental illness "Depression". Yes, I have depression. No, I am not "crazy" (though I feel that way sometimes). Please feel free to ask questions, make comments, and share feelings and personal experiences.
Thank you!

No Apologies

I'm reading Julia Child's "My Life in France". In her book, she tells a story about making a dish using the wrong ingredients, but she serving it to her guests even though she describes it as "vile" and "horrid". What's amazing about this situation is she never apologizes. Here is her explaination:

I don't believe in twisting yourself into knots of excuses and explanations over the food you make. When one's hostess starts in with self-deprecations such as "Oh, I don't know how to cook...," or "Poor little me...," or "This may taste awful...," it is so dreadful to have to reassure her that everything is delicious and fine, whether it is or not. Besides, such admissions only draw attention to one's shortcomings (or self-perceived shortcomings), and make the other person think, "Yes, you're right, this really is an awful meal!" Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed--eh bien, tant pis[oh well, it could be worse]!
Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile...then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile--and learn from her mistakes.

This is me, with a smile, not apologizing for long gaps between posts.